Reality

Avoid Dating a Sociopath

2011-06-16T17:52:00.015-05:00

Sociopaths are common in today's dating scene. You may even be dating one right now! According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD) a sociopath is "a person with a psychopathic personality who's behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense or moral responsibility or social conscience." But how does sociopath behavior manifest itself?

Sociopaths lie....A LOT. They're usually very believable liars and rarely tell the truth. They aren't concerned with what's real or truthful and that makes it easier for them to deceive you.

Sociopaths lack remorse or guilt. They don't have empathy for other people's feelings. They don't take responsibility for their actions or accept blame.

Sociopaths are incapable of feeling real love. Because sociopaths make more enemies than friends, they don't give or receive love easily. Their deceit usually runs in their relationships.

Sociopaths are irresponsible. They're usually unreliable and often oblivious to the harm or disappointment they cause others.

Sociopaths are impulsive. They often exhibit behaviors of promiscuity, infidelity, alcohol abuse, yada, yada.

Are you dating a sociopath?

Happy People

2010-05-19T21:37:00.005-05:00

It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we're told to smile and be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults we're told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments when you just want to get real, drop the act and be your true scared unhappy self. Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer's simple...to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try and will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were, until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along. Not in our dreams and hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar....

New History

2009-11-13T18:54:00.005-06:00

We live in a world of constant progress and forward motion. Stand still for a second and you'll get left behind. As hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. As history shows us again and again, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of and sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And there's times we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

Myths and Relationships

2009-11-12T19:01:00.005-06:00

Do modern-day singles need modern day myths just so they can date? Heroes, boyfriends, cyclops and divorced guys. Are they really that different? The primitive Greeks clung desperately to myths to explain the random hopeless of their, at times, miserable lives. Do modern-day singles need modern-day myths just to help us get through our random and sometimes miserable relationships? Are we willing to believe anything to date?

In every myth there comes a time when mere mortals are given a test. The way they respond usually determines whether they find paradise or find themselves tied to a big rock for all eternity. In turn, I feel at some point my mystified myths and relationships will become real as I don't want to be tied to a big rock for all eternity.

August 16, 2007

What Are You Waiting For?

2009-11-12T18:55:00.002-06:00

You have what it takes to change your life or even your world. So what's stopping you? Quit making excuses and embrace your power. Life could pass you by while you wait for just the right time.

Imagine having the power to step forward and change anything we want to change; to have a point of view, stand up firmly for it and be strong. Sounds simple and yet the most confident among us give away that power from time to time. It's not because we're weak or because our courage fails us; it's because we don't know how strong we really are. Even if we get a glimmer of our true grit, we back off.

When the opportunity presents itself, take it!

September 5, 2007

Defining Moments

2009-11-12T18:51:00.002-06:00

The Eskimo have hundreds of words for "snow." And we've invented three times that many words for "relationship." But the more words we invent, the harder it becomes to define things. In a world where you can date without sex, screw without dating and in the end keep most of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over, what really defines a relationship?

Maybe what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.

September 4, 2007

Soul Mates

2009-11-12T18:43:00.003-06:00

It was a lovely and uneventful day. Two lattes, a newspaper, and one dating service application. It reads "Don't Let Your Soul Mate Slip Away!" It's almost a threat. It's like "We have him! He's just waiting for you, but hurry 'cause he's slipping, slipping away! Opps, there he goes!"

Soul mate. Two little words. One big concept. A belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart. All you have to do is find them. So, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't ever your soul mate? Were they just a runner up contestant in this game show called Happily Ever After? And as you move from age box to age box on a dating service application and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less?

As I sit here alone thinking and writing, I start to feel really sad. I dislike myself for saying this but it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who genuinely cares about me. No special person to wish me happy birthday. No special person to rescue me when I need to be rescued. No damn soul mate and I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.

Soul mates. Reality or torture device?

September 3, 2007

What Goes Around Comes Around

2009-11-12T18:35:00.005-06:00

While I always ascribe thoughts about karma to the Fortune Cookie School of Psychology, does a string of bad dates equal one good one and will treating someone badly in one relationship insure that you will be treated badly in the next? Does everything that goes around really come around? And if so, will it come around to bite you in the ass? Is there a thing as "relationship karma?"

The universe may not always play fair, but at least its got a sense of humor.

September 3, 2007

Hot Child in the City

2009-11-06T22:21:00.004-06:00

Are the teens in this day dressed like thirty-something year old women or are we trying to look like teenagers? One of us is ordering Dom Perignon while another is tooling around the town on a scooter. When you're a teenager (back in my day) all you want to do is buy beer. But once you hit 30, all you want to do is get carded. I wonder, in today's youth-obsessed culture, are the women of my generation growing into mature responsible adults or are we adults going on 13?

After little thought, I was definitely 30+ going on 30+ (haha!). But in a city like ours with its pace and its pressures, sometimes it's important to have a 13 year old moment to remember a simpler time when the best thing in life is just hanging out, listening to records and having fun with your friends in your very own house.

September 3, 2007

Drama Queens

2009-11-06T22:13:00.005-06:00

An excerpt from that unwritten book I've not been typing....

One day in a search for unpaid bills, unanswered phone calls, unmet deadlines, you hadn't missed so much as even a teeth cleaning. Life appears to be in order. Soon you realize you're in the throes of an existential crisis. What's wrong? For the first time in your life, you're in a relationship where absolutely nothing is wrong. It's just smooth sailing. Nothing but calm seas and blue horizons as far as the eye can see. You adore each other. You have fun together. You mesh. And it feels really good.

For most, we seem to be used to the hunt and now we're in a relationship that effortless. Maybe we're just not used to being with someone who doesn't do the ever so seductive withholding dance. When things come too easy, we're suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real? We're raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always has to be obstacles in Act II before you can live happily ever after in Act III. But what happens when the obstacles aren't there? Does this mean there's something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work? I should think not. So why can't we get used to the effortless, smooth sailing kind of relationship to which I know there has to be such thing.

August 30, 2007

The Unattainable

2009-11-06T18:54:00.005-06:00

In love relationships, there's a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it's a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth, but how do we know when the growing pains stop and the pain-pains take over? Are we masochists or sadists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough? And are we, at times, addicted to pain? With answering that question and depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved, unfortunately the painful answer all too often is yes.

August 9, 2007

***Update***

There's a reason why I have come back to this blog. I have realized that I am a sadist. He might have been the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself up to a man who was terrified of being tied down. Did I love this person or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable? And just like that I had untied myself. I was free...but there was nothing exquisite about it.

September 10, 2007

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

2009-11-06T18:22:00.004-06:00

When you live in a city like San Antonio the odds of bumping into the one that broke your heart is incredibly high. The odds of bumping into him when you look like shit are even higher. After a breakup certain streets, locations, even times of day are off limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown into pieces.

Reference the title of this blog, I couldn't help but wonder about my stats. Countless dates, five real relationships all ending in break-ups. If I were a ball player, I'd be batting uh, whatever is really bad. Are you supposed to get over a ex in a slow painful way or should we just ignore all the bad feelings and throw ourselves back in the game?

In a world where leaving each other is all the more frequent, what are the break-up rules? Break-up Rule 1: Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy. Break-up Rule 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores! Break-up Rule 3: Never (which is a very big word) stop thinking about him for a moment because that's the moment he will appear. And finally the most important break-up rule, no matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

July 22, 2007

Secret Sex

2009-11-06T18:01:00.002-06:00

How many of us out there are having sex with people that we are ashamed to introduce to our friends and/or family? Is secret sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state exempt from the judgment of the world or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?

Have you ever felt like you were in a niche? Certain events? Certain restaurants? Certain people? Like you were a particular fragment of the kind of person someone thinks they should be dating versus secret sex?

July 11, 2007

Twenty-Somethings

2009-11-06T18:00:00.004-06:00

Are they scattered and unfocused? I guess at that age they always know the important "B" people. Busboys, bouncers and bartenders.

Men in their 40s are like the Sunday crossword puzzle. Tricky, complicated and you're never really sure you got the right answer.

Are men in their 20s the new designer drug? Older women are attracted to them for various reasons but I can't help what they see in us. What's really going on here is S-E-X. Good old fashion, eager to please, do what I tell you to do Eagle Scout sex.

OK. So you wake up wanting more or maybe not. In the morning light things look completely different. Candles from Urban Outfitter, dirty laundry strewn all over the place, an empty pizza box and the dreaded...no toilet paper. Suddenly reality hits. You're in a 20-somethings apartment! Every fiber in your body is telling you "You're too old for this! Get out!"

This is an interesting chapter in ones life, the 40-something life. Outgrowing the boys of the past and not quite grown into the men of the future. Undoubtedly men are like drugs. At times they can bring you down and at other times they can get you so high.

June 27, 2007

"Poor Single You" Looks. Loser, Leper, Whore!

2009-11-05T22:32:00.005-06:00

Why does a 30-40 something single female, never married, no children, considered or thought of as possibly gay? When does single translate into being gay?

Why don't I like being single? Family functions when you're the only one that's not married and they sit you at the kids table or when two people eat off of the same fork, awww. Another time I dislike being single is when married friends and friends in general "surprise" fix you up or in the term that I use "pimp" you out.

Sifting through the rubble of my marriage skirmish, I had a thought. Are married people the enemy? Is there a single cold war between married and single? Maybe the fight between the married and single is like the war in Northern Ireland. They were all basically the same but somehow wound up on different sides. Maybe the cold war isn't about hate. Maybe it's about fear, fear of the unknown. Married people don't hate singles. They just want us figured out.

It's circumstantial that I'm single.

June 26, 2007
2:27 pm

When Being Correct is Incorrect....

2009-11-05T20:44:00.005-06:00

Always finding fault with others can be very tiring and damaging. Stop seething over how right you are and focus instead on having a good time.

How can the words "extraordinary" woman, be used in the same sentence as "you suck"?

June 5, 2007

The Mysteries of Love and Lust

2009-11-05T20:11:00.002-06:00

Across the room you see a handsome stranger. He smiles. You smile. Before you know it, you've fallen. Over the next few weeks he explodes into your world. Friends and family are demoted. You think about him constantly. You in a delirious state. Except, that is, when you're plunged into despair because he forgets to call.

Why does one handsome stranger make your heart pound while another leaves you cold?

Such a mystery which is just as bewildering as trying to read between the lines.

May 17, 2007

Dare To Be Different

2009-11-05T19:34:00.018-06:00

Somebody doesn't like you? Good. No one ever made an impact on the world without standing out from the crowd. So embrace your unique qualities. They're what makes you unforgettable.

Most of us are afraid to be controversial or even to be intensely who we are. We're like lemonade with too much water in it and too few lemons. We dilute our "flavor" so we won't offend anyone. And in the process we give away our power, the essence of who we are that makes us unique and unforgettable.

The world belongs not to the one who fits in but to the one who stands out. In music, art, entertainment, business, etc., it's the maverick, the one who gets "carried away", who wins the day. OK, so you may not want to rule the world, but to get whatever it is you do want, the principle is the same...be unabashedly yourself.

May 17, 2007

The First Kiss

2009-11-05T19:13:00.004-06:00

For the first kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it every where. A kiss so hot, so deep, you never want to come up for air.

You can't cheat that first kiss.....

May 6, 2007

Not Good at Saying Sorry?

2009-05-02T18:57:00.006-05:00

Remember when we were little and we would "accidentally" bit a kid on the playground? Our teacher would tell us to "say you're sorry". And we would say it but we wouldn't mean it, because the stupid kid we bit totally deserved it! But as we get older, making a mends isn't so simple. After the playground days are over, you can't just say it. You have to mean it.

I'm sorry doesn't always cut it, maybe because we use always use it in so many different ways, as a weapon, as an excuse. But when we're really sorry, when we use it right....when we mean it or where actions say what words can't., when we get it right, "I'm sorry" works perfect. When we get it right 'I'm sorry' is redemption.

Serial Dating 101

2009-04-22T21:02:00.006-05:00

Not having been on a dating website in forever, much less dating at all, I browsed one for a few days. It never fails. I seem to attract the stalker, or the now "serial dater". A more politically correct term for serial dater would the infamous "player"! There's so many people out there, men and women, who engage in this process of systematically dating an obscene amount of people in a short span of time. There's no limitation whatsoever when it comes to serial dating, including Internet dating, long distance flirtation, phone service dating, blind dating, bar dating, match making, one night stands, friends with benefits and personal ad surfing. How can people find their mate with insatiable amounts of dating with no real intention of finding true love? Dating. It's over-freakin' rated.

What Women Want

2009-04-18T21:19:00.010-05:00

Being desired is extremely arousing for women. The reason for that is that being desired means that a man doesn't just want to have sex. He wants to have sex with you. If you look at how women behave and what they spend their time, energy and lots of money on, it's on desire-creating behaviors rather than on try to get sex.

One of the most common fantasies when it comes to women and sex is to be dominated by a desirable man. The fantasy only holds if you're attracted to the man who is dominating you. It's not about coercion or violence. When women talk about domination, what they're trying to communicate is 'I was so wanted by someone I wanted'.

One of the most complicated aspects of female desire is that women want different things at different times. Women are complicated but I don't think they're confused. They want to be desired sometimes. Sometimes they also just want sex. They want a combination of things. It's like a 'mating' game.

And speaking of the 'mating' game.....there's alot in a kiss. You're seeing, smelling, touching, tasting and hearing. All of your senses are engaged. During a kiss, different regions are our brains are stimulated. Euphoria, elation, focused attention. The first kiss is the beginning of a long, wonderful relationship or the end of it. You can learn alot from a kiss!

What do women want? To be desired.

January 20, 2009

2009-01-20T06:40:00.003-06:00

There seems to be a different level of consciousness in our country. I'm experiencing a level of inspiration (politically that is) that I have only ever heard about when my mom reflects back to when John F. Kennedy was President. I, now, am experiencing that same feeling of unity, gratitude and inspiration.

Today Barack Obama will become the 44th President of the United States of America. This event, no matter what political spectrum you may be a part of, proves that America is the land of opportunity. He will be the first president to lay his hand on the same bible that Abraham Lincoln used in 1861 and will be the first half African American to occupy the White House that was built by the hands of slaves and the free.

What is important is moving forward. If we're inspired, then we will see change. President Obama cannot do it alone. This is for all of us to do together. We are the "change".

Moral Philosophy

2009-01-18T21:30:00.009-06:00

Reading any kind of self-help books is not my kind of reading, but this book caught my eye, a book about ethical principles. It made me realize at how society itself has become so diluted with how to respect others. Putting all religious purposes aside, The Golden Rule, "treat others as you want to be treated." It's an ethical code that people just don't seem to practice anymore. Anybody attempting to live by this rule treats all people with consideration.

Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5:18

Is College Really Worth It?

2009-01-16T22:43:00.011-06:00

College after college have told students that getting that college diploma is supposed to be the ticket to the good life. Politicians have been saying it too. Many students have been promised that a college education will get you a job. Lots of people are misinformed and are lead down this path of needing to go to college to get a good job. The college diploma is the new high school diploma. The Bachelor's Degree, it's become America's most overrated product. When our parents had bachelor's degrees it was a big deal. Today it's a hunting license for a job. On an average many successful college students would have been successful whether they went to college or not.

Think twice when taking on debt for college. College is a good thing for kids who have the grades for being doctors and lawyers but others should reassess the value of a generic Bachelor's Degree. A degree from a college determines how successful you are? I don't think so. It's often smarter to acquire specific marketable skills at a community college, a technical school or work as an apprentice for some business. That seems to make you more employable. Vocational school pays off for many. Electricians make an average $48k a year, a plumber $47k. That's more than the average American earns! But some people look down on vocational schools. It's just a fact that a degree from a four year college is considered first class and a vocational school degree is not. We are such a status driven society in American. Is your debt worth the status? Is your Bachelor's Degree giving you a ticket to the good life?

The 411 on Blogging

2009-01-15T19:53:00.016-06:00

There's all kinds of blogs out there on the worldwide web. The most common is the personal blog, to which I take pride in what I write, even if my blog is never read by anyone but myself and a couple of followers. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life. It also gives us the right of "Freedom of Speech without any hindrance of expression of oneself and ones opinions." I love to write, been writing for years, therefore I blog. It's a hobby and what I'm doing is completely benign. I would never post anything I wouldn't say in person given the right time, place and subject matter. This woman shoots from the hip and speaks from the heart.

What’s the point of blogging? I become so engrossed in standing on my personal soap box that I forget others are listening to them or just happen to come across them to which I have nothing to hide as previously said "I would never post anything I wouldn't say in person". By taking the possible impact of my posts into consideration, I'm less likely to say something inconsiderate or offensive as of lately I've been quite rude and inconsiderate due to health issues (chronic back pain). Others may still take offense, especially if I'm saying something negative, but they’re less likely to retaliate if I rephrase my remarks politely. Note that this rule only helps me to otherwise practice prudence and restraint with regard to the subjects of my blogs.

~Me

I'm Going to Denver

2009-01-13T21:24:00.004-06:00

We all get at least one good wish a year...over the candles on our birthday cake. Some of us throw in more...on eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars and every now and then one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it as good as we had hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness or do we just notice that we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished? We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for the big things. Things that are ambitious and out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes they come true.

Kiss and Don't Tell Part 3

2008-11-01T11:58:00.003-05:00

I have moved the couch!

Kiss and Don't Tell Part 2

2008-06-28T15:06:00.008-05:00

It really wasn't tricky sharing my space at all. It felt good to have company, something that I haven't experienced in twelve years. Yes, twelve years! That number of years makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. How can I be so selective when it comes to relationships is beyond me. I haven't quite figured it out. Maybe I will in the next twelve years to come.

As of now, the couch has been moved (but it was moved weeks ago), but I don't feel like doing laundry or going back to life as usual. However silly this may sound, I feel like I'm in mourning.

Power Dynamics

2008-06-15T21:45:00.005-05:00

Power dynamics. From the earliest age, we grow up with them. Parent/child. Teacher/student. But as we get older, relationships become more complicated, less easily defined. We would like to image equality amongst friends, with spouses. Are we just fooling ourselves? You tell me, in the Dance of Life is it possible to have two equal partners or does someone always have to take the lead?

We are the daughters of a feminist movement. Taught from an early age that nothing can stop us. That we can rise as high and achieve as much as any man and in some ways that's true, we have taken great strides stepping over traditional gender roles and going after and getting exactly what we want. But part of being powerful is knowing when to take the back seat and look at life from another prospective. The thing is that in a relationship there is no CEO. It's a delicate dance, a push and pull, a back and forth, an up and down, but we endure because at the end of the day we don't want to go it alone. And when we find someone, a partner, we compromise, loving everything we can and putting blinders on to everything else, because love isn't perfect but it's the really great imperfect love that keeps us evolving, happy. In the end, isn't that what life's all about?

Surprise, Surprise

2008-06-08T21:12:00.004-05:00

We all know how unsettling change can sometimes be, especially when we learn something about a person we don't want to know. Can knowing too much be a deal breaker? In a relationship is it better to be an open book or are some things better left unread?

There's an old saying "what you don't know can't hurt you." But is that really true or can the things not said today haunt you tomorrow? Everyone knows that truth can be painful but it can also set you free. It's a risk you take whenever you open yourself to someone. I, for one, think honesty is worth it. And who knows, you just might be pleasantly surprised.

New Dogs, Old Tricks

2008-06-05T00:53:00.008-05:00

Matters of the heart. We all have emotional boundaries we set for ourselves, but all too often, we cross them. But with authority and repetition, we can train animals to think and act a certain way, but what about when it comes to ourselves? Can we train our emotions to sit and stay?

The mind is a funny thing. It's a place from which everything emanates, yet no one can access anyone else's which means that we've got to communicate. With animals we use only the most straightforward language...words like "sit", "stay", "no." But between one another, things quickly get complicated. What we say is not always what we mean and at times we have to fight through mixed messages or start all over again. But no matter how hard it is and how often we feel misunderstood, it's our responsibility to keep fighting for clarity because in the end we teach people how to treat us...which means the responsibilty to communicate lies not on the shoulder of others but on ourselves.

Kiss and Don't Tell

2008-05-07T12:13:00.006-05:00

It seems that everyone is taking in a guest these days. It’s a tricky thing sharing your space whether by choice or circumstance. We all want to bend over backwards to make our guest feel at home but what happens when our home stops being our own? How do you find space for yourself? It is possible to let someone in and still keep your distance?

Opening your door to someone is in many ways like opening your heart. It’s not always easy. Some of us aren’t used to opening up. It can hurt, but we do what we can for our guests. We try to be hospitable, giving them whatever they desire. Sometimes all you can do is help them feel better while they wait to return home and soon enough the guest is gone leaving us to move the couch, do the laundry, go back to our lives as usual….if that’s possible. But what happens if you don’t want to move the couch, do laundry and go back to life as usual?

Wander Lust

2008-05-06T13:57:00.002-05:00

Travel is good for the soul. It opens your eyes and takes your mind and body to new places. But what about the people who stay behind? How can we trust that you won’t be seduced by these new sights and sounds? If you set something you love free, can you really trust that it will come back to you?

I think we're born with a desire to roam the earth. We crawl, then walk, then run all in an effort to move further away then where we came from. Changing one’s surrounding is good for the heart. And now I also know that sometimes staying home and letting others go can be its own fantastic journey. Because when you let go of something, you make room for something else entirely. Something you never expected. Something that makes home seem like its own unexpected adventure, a trip where new treasures are found around every old corner, where the world and its complexities come right to your doorstep. Because in the end the power is not just with those who go away, but also in what they leave behind.