Cry Wolf

Commitment is complicated.  When times get a little hairy, we have to decide should we stay or should we go.  Animals have instincts about these things, fight or flight, but human relationships are more complex.  How do we know when to give up the fight?  

Faced with a choice between fleeing or fighting, sometimes even the strongest of us run.  Animal instincts serve animals well, but we're human and we make mistakes.  For the lone wolves among us, self-preservation is easy because they're not trying to preserve a relationship.  Unlike animals, most of us have emotions clouding our vision.  We want to look out not just for ourselves, but for each other.  Until we realize in the end, human or animal, we are all alone ans we will have to fight for ourselves.

Man

In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth, at least that's what they say.  He created the birds of the air and the beasts of the field and he looked at this creation and he saw that it was good.  And then God created man and it's been downhill ever since.  The story goes on to say that God created man in his own image but there's not much proof of that.  After all, God made the sun, the moon and the stars and all man makes is trouble...and when man finds himself in trouble, which is most of the time, he turns to something bigger than himself to love or fate or religion to make sense of it all.  Bitter?  No.  Confused?  When it comes to man, absofuckinglutely.  And man says they don't understand woman?

Myths and Relationships

Do modern-day singles need modern day myths just so they can date? Heroes, boyfriends, cyclops and divorced guys. Are they really that different? The primitive Greeks clung desperately to myths to explain the random hopeless of their, at times, miserable lives. Do modern-day singles need modern-day myths just to help us get through our random and sometimes miserable relationships? Are we willing to believe anything to date?

In every myth there comes a time when mere mortals are given a test. The way they respond usually determines whether they find paradise or find themselves tied to a big rock for all eternity. In turn, I feel at some point my mystified myths and relationships will become real as I don't want to be tied to a big rock for all eternity.

August 16, 2007

Defining Moments

The Eskimo have hundreds of words for "snow." And we've invented three times that many words for "relationship." But the more words we invent, the harder it becomes to define things. In a world where you can date without sex, screw without dating and in the end keep most of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over, what really defines a relationship?

Maybe what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.

September 4, 2007

Soul Mates

Soul mate. Two little words. One big concept. A belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart. All you have to do is find them. So, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't ever your soul mate? Were they just a runner up contestant in this game show called Happily Ever After? And as you move from age box to age box on a dating service application and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less? 

As I sit here alone thinking and writing, I start to feel really sad. I dislike myself for saying this but it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who genuinely cares about me. No special person to wish me happy birthday. No special person to rescue me when I need to be rescued. No damn soul mate and I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.
Soul mates. Reality or torture device?

September 3, 2007

What Goes Around Comes Around

While I always ascribe thoughts about karma to the Fortune Cookie School of Psychology, does a string of bad dates equal one good one and will treating someone badly in one relationship insure that you will be treated badly in the next? Does everything that goes around really come around? And if so, will it come around to bite you in the ass? Is there a thing as "relationship karma?"

The universe may not always play fair, but at least its got a sense of humor.

September 3, 2007

Drama Queens

An excerpt from that unwritten book I've not been typing....

One day in a search for unpaid bills, unanswered phone calls, unmet deadlines, you hadn't missed so much as even a teeth cleaning. Life appears to be in order. Soon you realize you're in the throes of an existential crisis. What's wrong? For the first time in your life, you're in a relationship where absolutely nothing is wrong. It's just smooth sailing. Nothing but calm seas and blue horizons as far as the eye can see. You adore each other. You have fun together. You mesh. And it feels really good.

For most, we seem to be used to the hunt and now we're in a relationship that effortless. Maybe we're just not used to being with someone who doesn't do the ever so seductive withholding dance. When things come too easy, we're suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real? We're raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always has to be obstacles in Act II before you can live happily ever after in Act III. But what happens when the obstacles aren't there? Does this mean there's something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work? I should think not. So why can't we get used to the effortless, smooth sailing kind of relationship to which I know there has to be such thing.


August 30, 2007

The Unattainable

In love relationships, there's a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it's a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth, but how do we know when the growing pains stop and the pain-pains take over? Are we masochists or sadists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough? And are we, at times, addicted to pain? With answering that question and depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved, unfortunately the painful answer all too often is yes.

August 9, 2007

***Update***

There's a reason why I have come back to this blog. I have realized that I am a sadist. He might have been the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself up to a man who was terrified of being tied down. Did I love this person or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable? And just like that I had untied myself. I was free...but there was nothing exquisite about it.

September 10, 2007

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

When you live in a city like San Antonio the odds of bumping into the one that broke your heart is incredibly high. The odds of bumping into him when you look like shit are even higher. After a breakup certain streets, locations, even times of day are off limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown into pieces.
Reference the title of this blog, I couldn't help but wonder about my stats. Countless dates, five real relationships all ending in break-ups. If I were a ball player, I'd be batting uh, whatever is really bad. Are you supposed to get over a ex in a slow painful way or should we just ignore all the bad feelings and throw ourselves back in the game?
In a world where leaving each other is all the more frequent, what are the break-up rules? Break-up Rule 1: Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy. Break-up Rule 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores! Break-up Rule 3: Never (which is a very big word) stop thinking about him for a moment because that's the moment he will appear. And finally the most important break-up rule, no matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

July 22, 2007
SATC

What Women Want

Being desired is extremely arousing for women. The reason for that is that being desired means that a man doesn't just want to have sex. He wants to have sex with you. If you look at how women behave and what they spend their time, energy and lots of money on, it's on desire-creating behaviors rather than on try to get sex.

One of the most common fantasies when it comes to women and sex is to be dominated by a desirable man. The fantasy only holds if you're attracted to the man who is dominating you. It's not about coercion or violence. When women talk about domination, what they're trying to communicate is 'I was so wanted by someone I wanted'.

One of the most complicated aspects of female desire is that women want different things at different times. Women are complicated but I don't think they're confused. They want to be desired sometimes. Sometimes they also just want sex. They want a combination of things. It's like a 'mating' game.

And speaking of the 'mating' game.....there's alot in a kiss. You're seeing, smelling, touching, tasting and hearing. All of your senses are engaged. During a kiss, different regions are our brains are stimulated. Euphoria, elation, focused attention. The first kiss is the beginning of a long, wonderful relationship or the end of it. You can learn alot from a kiss!

What do women want? To be desired.

Kiss and Don't Tell Part 3

I have moved the couch!

Kiss and Don't Tell Part 2

It really wasn't tricky sharing my space at all. It felt good to have company, something that I haven't experienced in twelve years. Yes, twelve years! That number of years makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. How can I be so selective when it comes to relationships is beyond me. I haven't quite figured it out. Maybe I will in the next twelve years to come.

As of now, the couch has been moved (but it was moved weeks ago), but I don't feel like doing laundry or going back to life as usual. However silly this may sound, I feel like I'm in mourning.

Power Dynamics

Power dynamics. From the earliest age, we grow up with them. Parent/child. Teacher/student. But as we get older, relationships become more complicated, less easily defined. We would like to image equality amongst friends, with spouses. Are we just fooling ourselves? You tell me, in the Dance of Life is it possible to have two equal partners or does someone always have to take the lead?

We are the daughters of a feminist movement. Taught from an early age that nothing can stop us. That we can rise as high and achieve as much as any man and in some ways that's true, we have taken great strides stepping over traditional gender roles and going after and getting exactly what we want. But part of being powerful is knowing when to take the back seat and look at life from another prospective. The thing is that in a relationship there is no CEO. It's a delicate dance, a push and pull, a back and forth, an up and down, but we endure because at the end of the day we don't want to go it alone. And when we find someone, a partner, we compromise, loving everything we can and putting blinders on to everything else, because love isn't perfect but it's the really great imperfect love that keeps us evolving, happy. In the end, isn't that what life's all about?

Surprise, Surprise

We all know how unsettling change can sometimes be, especially when we learn something about a person we don't want to know. Can knowing too much be a deal breaker? In a relationship is it better to be an open book or are some things better left unread?

There's an old saying "what you don't know can't hurt you." But is that really true or can the things not said today haunt you tomorrow? Everyone knows that truth can be painful but it can also set you free. It's a risk you take whenever you open yourself to someone. I, for one, think honesty is worth it. And who knows, you just might be pleasantly surprised.

Kiss and Don't Tell

It seems that everyone is taking in a guest these days. It’s a tricky thing sharing your space whether by choice or circumstance. We all want to bend over backwards to make our guest feel at home but what happens when our home stops being our own? How do you find space for yourself? It is possible to let someone in and still keep your distance?

Opening your door to someone is in many ways like opening your heart. It’s not always easy. Some of us aren’t used to opening up. It can hurt, but we do what we can for our guests. We try to be hospitable, giving them whatever they desire. Sometimes all you can do is help them feel better while they wait to return home and soon enough the guest is gone leaving us to move the couch, do the laundry, go back to our lives as usual….if that’s possible. But what happens if you don’t want to move the couch, do laundry and go back to life as usual?

Wander Lust

Travel is good for the soul. It opens your eyes and takes your mind and body to new places. But what about the people who stay behind? How can we trust that you won’t be seduced by these new sights and sounds? If you set something you love free, can you really trust that it will come back to you?

I think we're born with a desire to roam the earth. We crawl, then walk, then run all in an effort to move further away then where we came from. Changing one’s surrounding is good for the heart. And now I also know that sometimes staying home and letting others go can be its own fantastic journey. Because when you let go of something, you make room for something else entirely. Something you never expected. Something that makes home seem like its own unexpected adventure, a trip where new treasures are found around every old corner, where the world and its complexities come right to your doorstep. Because in the end the power is not just with those who go away, but also in what they leave behind.